Just. whatever.

Mon, 10 Mar 2008 05:58:01 GMT

I can't meet
Losing sleep over this
No I can't
And now I cannot stop pacing
Give me a few hours
I'll have this all sorted out
If my mind would just stop racing

Cause I cannot stand still
I can be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening

This is over my head
But underneath my feet
Cause by tomoroow morning I'll have this thing beat
And everything will be back to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy

Cause I'm waiting for tonight
Been waiting for tomoroow
I'm somewhere in between
What is real
Just a dream
What is real
Just a dream
What is real
Just a dream

Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in
Dont be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again
I don't want to run away from this
I know that I just don't need this

Cause I cannot stand still
I can be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening

Beezy

Tue, 19 Feb 2008 07:29:29 GMT

I am here to entertain. I made a new gay friend, he's so cute! His name is Jeff and he works at Jamba. He yells at me when I'm not there to take his order and we comes over to visit me when I'm working and I hung out with him and Krystal after I got off work tonight. He told me he loved me :-). And he listen to me rant about the stupidity of people and food. Seriously, no joke, this guy walked up to me when I was working and he was like "It's cold, could you turn the fans off?" I mean, what the hell? Yeah, even if there were a way for me to do that, I'm not going to do it just because you're fucking cold. There are other people, too, you know? Whatever, he can get shot or something. I'd feel bad if he were laying in a ditch somewhere though.... like.... bleeding and stuff.

Get this, when I had a Will thing, Brian had a Will. When I had Ben, Brian had a Ben... and guess what Brians new boyfriend's name is? That's right, Tyler. Lmao, I almost died. I guess he doesn't hate me, because I saw him when I was getting off the bus and he was yelling at me from across the street. I think he told me to have fun at work... I don't know, I guess it's possible for him to have been yelling mean things, but I don't think he's smart enough to be mean.

I can't sleep. I really can't, I'm going to eventually fall asleep and wake up pissed off tomorrow morning. I went to bed pissed off last night, had pissed off dreams, woke up pissed off, spent all day pissed off, tried to go to sleep and was too pissed off to sleep.. now I'm fucked. I'm pissed off because I don't understand. That's usually how it is. But I'm going to drop this now before it gets any worse. "This" being me writing about it, not being mad about it. At least someone is taking my mind off it. Just know that I'm mad because I don't wanna see you get hurt again.

I drank soda today, it was awful. At least it wasn't dark soda. My dad got me soda from Panda Express and I was thursty, I broke down. It was gross anyway. I hate white soda, I didn't even drink all of it.

Tue, 15 Jan 2008 23:22:17 GMT

I'm all like.. sophisticated and shit... sitting here with my coffee... damn.

Just kidding. I don't know, soooo... yeah. Oh, and what kind of motherfucker thinks coffee is lame?

I don't know what I should be writing about, but I feel like I need to be writing something.. some kind of.. update. I'm hella leaning like a cholo... I'm not kidding... I don't have anything to keep you peeps updated on... I haven't gone to school since Thursday. Not my fault! Except for Friday.. and kind of Monday... Well, Friday I was given the option, so of course I'm not going, and Monday I was sick, but I could have still gone to school. And today, there was a two hour delay and I had no idea what time my class started... I tried, like I called the school and what not but no one answered. I really really don't wanna be there anymore. You have no idea, like.. at all. I don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life, to me there isn't a rest of my life because I can't begin to think about what that really means... so I'm pretty much just here, now, at this moment. No thought involved. I'm sure that's a serious problem.

What is a substitute for baking powder? I don't fucking know, don't ask me. I guess I don't know my culinary IQ, I'm okay with that.

No...

Fri, 04 Jan 2008 08:33:00 GMT

So, I pretty much don't think Ben and I are talking anymore, I haven't talked to him since the Sunday that Brian was here and I've called him every day since Sunday, I think it was (Yeah, Sunday after) and I just now called him and he answered and then hung up. Is it wrong that it doesn't really "hurt" me? I mean, it's pretty much like we weren't friends anymore anyway, I don't understand. Whatever, I don't even know what to say about it anymore. I just want to know if he's okay or if I did anything wrong. Yeah, it fucking bothers me, but I don't know how to explain it, I'm sure it'll hit me here soon or something.

Yeah, no.. I fucking lied. I'm talking to Vanessa.. he'll fucking talk to her but not me? That seriously fucking pisses me off.... I don't understand. She said he didn't say anything about me or whatever, just that he's been really depressed... which pisses me off even more, since when can he not talk to me because of something like that? That, right there, makes me feel like shit, like seriously. He's like.. the only person I've ever met that could make me feel better when I'm really upset, really. I don't know what I'm going to do without something like that, it's just the way he talked to me, it's hard to explain. I'm all for waiting for him to be ready to talk to me, but I just don't want to wait for it because I'm afraid it won't come around.

PS Alvin and the Chipmunks... fuckin' PWND!

PPS Will is a faggot.

Sun, 30 Dec 2007 08:41:08 GMT

I'm a bad person and no one knows why, oops, and nobody will guess why, either.

Sooo, I realized that I don't really like bitch beer, it gives me hang overs... not liking it so much. But I guess that hang overs make guys like to hit on you, that's what I learned today. What was it about today that made older guys who work in kitchens hella want my nuts? I don't understand, but I find it oddly flattering. Gross, lol.

Sooo, Aaron found out about Tyler, and just says the meanest things about him. He was bragging out how fast he could cook food and he was like "I'm faster than a microwave, maybe I should get that tattooed somewhere.. Or maybe that's what Tyler should get tattooed." You know, stuff like that. Is it bad that I find it funny? I mean, I'd never say anything like that to his face, but when he's not around I'm not really that nice... For example, I was talking to Aaron and Janelle about it (mainly because they brought it up) and Aaron was like "Well, you're just that good" and I was like "There wasn't enough time to be any good" annnd I can't really believe I said that because I'm not that mean, but you know, it's kind of true. But I'm used to it, haha. Fuckin' guys.

I had a dream that seemed so real last night, gah, it freaked me out. I already told Shantal about it, but it pretty much just involved Brian on a bicycle. Actually, that's only the funny part and it's something that could like.. almost totally happen. Other than the Shantal being that big of a bitch, that shiiiz best not happen anytime soon. Oh, by the way, Shantal did so good on Friday! I'm proud of her, she's growing up! Lol, I didn't have to bust a cap in any persons ass! WeWt! (Yes, I did just type like that, I don't really care because I'm so fucking tired.) I'm just kind of going off about nothing, I'm really tired but I don't want to go to sleep; at least I'm giving Shantal something to read. Goodnight.

Mon, 17 Dec 2007 06:11:55 GMT

Hmm, well... I don't know. I wasn't kidding when I said that no one writes in this thing anymore, Shantal hasn't in over a month; Brian hasn't in over two months. You are all faggots! Just kidding, I don't really like that word... but it's fun to say sometimes. You know, I really don't think spandex underwear on guys is that hot, I'm talking like.. the speedo kind... Isaac thinks I think they're hot or something.. But I just go with it, but it's really not appetizing. He's like.. a goody-two-shoes.. but not at the same time. He doesn't drink or smoke, but he has sex like no other, I don't know how to classify him, but I guess I don't really need to.
===================================================================================
Holy shit, Brians gunna be here in a few days, how fucking weird is that? I just realized it.. like no joke, just now. On the 18th? Right? I don't know, but whoa....
===================================================================================
George is all up on my boobies right now and he's making it hard to type, little fucker. Did you know that boobs make it hard to sleep on your stomach sometimes? It's really annoying. I swear, I'm going to kill George, he won't leave me the fuck alone.
===================================================================================
Tyler and Will scared the bloody fucking shit outta me today, yes, it was "Scare the bloody fucking shit outta Lena" day. But it was okay, I actually like.. had a conversation with Tyler, he'd be fine if he weren't stoned all the fucking time, and I mean.. Allllll the fucking time. It's really annoying and sounds really boring if I think about it, I couldn't do the same thing over and over again every single day, I'd seriously shoot myself. Buuut whatever, he's still cute... And Will got like.. almost hot, but not HOOOT, you know what I'm saying? He just improved his body which is annoying, also. You know what else is annoying? School. Buuut we all think that, haha. I found out that Jeff didn't graduate either, no big surprise. David hates Jeff, so does Nathan and Aaron... Which is understandable because Jeff doesn't do a fucking thing and when he does he does it really, really slow. But he's fun to talk to, so I'm torn.
====================================================================================
Isaac says:

hahaha well alrights. i dont mind going to a movie, we can have dinner, go shopping at the mall for fabulous shoes and outfits! oh my gods we can try on clothes and laugh at eachother! ill pick out an outfit for you, and you choose one for me, then we'll go back to your house and hang out and maybe watch another movie while cuddled on the couch under a blanket?

Oh my god, I don't know why, but I thought that was so fucking funny, just think "Flamer" when you read it.

I'm done.

Thu, 29 Nov 2007 02:05:43 GMT

Soo, yeah, I just pretty much haven't used this thing in forever so I thought I'd give Shantal something to read because I know she checks this thing all the time, or at least that's what she says... lying whore. Just kidding :D...ish.

I don't really have anything to write about... uhh, I still pretty much don't like the same people and no one has joined that group.. Basically it's just Will... But that's not the point. I still don't know why he called me on Friday, he just wanted to talk. But let me tell you, I didn't want to talk to him but that didn't really matter I guess, because I did anyway, buuut I was bored, that's how I'll make myself feel better about it. He's just a slimy, digusting, pig faced asshole.. and a bad kisser. :D. Let me tell you who is a good kisser... I lied, I'm not going to because I'm sure you can figure it out...

But anywhooo! Nothing new has happened with just about anything, at all. I pretty much try to avoid Tyler because I've never met a more boring person in my life.. But he's still cute and not much is going to change that. See, I don't know what to write about when I'm not here to rant about something, is that bad? I think it might be, but I'll live, you know why? Because I'm going to fucking Dane Cook tomorrow.. and you can't get any better than that! Faaaaa'shoooooo! I'm gunna tap that shit! Just kidding, even though I totally would, and don't tell me you wouldn't... because you'd be lying... bitches.

Ben is...scaring me. He's getting progressivly worse again and it's reminding of right before he went to the hospital. I think it scares me more that he relapsed into drinking (it only happened once, but it still happened) than the huge scar going down his wrist, which he finally fucking talked to me about. I don't know, but I get this weird satisfaction from the fact that he can talk to me about things that he can't talk to his girlfriend about, I think that makes me a bitch, haha. And jealous in a weird way, and I know I am jealous because he sees her everyday, but I guess that that's going to change when he gets his car fixed, and I really think it will because of the things he's been saying to me lately. He was also telling me about how he's doing his thing again, where he goes out with someone for about three months and then ends up not liking them anymore and they actually end up annoying the hell out of him. I had to talk him out of it because.. I don't know why I did. I haven't even met this girl and I don't know if she's any good for him, but I do know that she'd have parties with booz and Ben would be there, which pissed me off more than I'm sure it should have. I just really want him to be okay, he's never actually been okay, he's always been fucked up. Whiiiich I don't like but there's nothing I can really do about it, you know? But I'm there to talk to him whenever he needs it, which is almost every night. He was telling me about how useless he felt and all this stuff, I was freaking out, you have no idea. But I know I got him to feel better because he has this way of talking.. I don't know, it's really hard to explain, but I knew. And that makes me happy.

Nathan won't even fucking talk to me, it drives me insane!!!! Gah! He'll be there next to Janelle or Michelle and be laughing and cracking jokes but he won't even say Hi to me, you don't even know how much that pisses me off. Yes, I'm jealous, I can handle that... It's all because I'm not pretty like they are, which is complete bullshit and really... really makes me mad. But at least I think Bob likes me, he calls all the girls hun, hunny, sweetie, darling, it makes me happy because he does it in a weird, grandpa kind of way, you know? And he house comp'ed my meal last night. Mmm, pesto with parm. chicken...anytime baby, anytime.

Mon, 08 Oct 2007 05:07:28 GMT

Now that it’s all said and done
I can’t believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down
Like an old abandoned house
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath
I felt as if I was in way to deep
Guess I let you get the best of me

Well I never saw it coming
I should have started running
A long, long time ago
And I never thought I’d doubt you
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know
I’m slowly getting closure
I guess it’s really over
I’m finally gettin’ better
Now I’m picking up the pieces
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through
I got over you

You took a hammer to these walls
Dragged the memories down the hall
Packed your bags and walked away
There was nothing I could say,
And when you slammed the front door shut
A lot of other’s opened up
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me

------------------------------------------------------

You used to talk to me like
I was the only one around
You used to lean on me
The only other choice was falling down
You used to walk with me like
We had no where we needed to go
Nice and slow
To no place in particular

We used to have this figured out
We used to breathe without a doubt
When nights were clear you were the first star that I'd see
We used to have this under control
We never thought we used to know
At least there's you
And at least there's me
Can we get this back?
Can we get this back?
To how it used to be

I used to reach for you
I got lost along the way
I used to listen
You always had the just right thing to say
I used to follow you
Never really cared where we would go
Fast or slow
To anywhere at all

The Captain

Tue, 18 Sep 2007 05:41:42 GMT

Well I dont have as many friends because
Im not as pretty as I was
Ive kicked myself at times because Ive lied
So I will have to learn to stand my ground
Ill tell em I wont be around
Ill move on over to your town and hide

And you be the captain
And Ill be no-one
And you can carry me away if you want to
And you can lay low
Just like your father and if
I tread upon your feet you just say so
cos youre the captain, I am no-one,
I tend to feel as though I owe one to you

Well I have handed all my efforts in
I searched here for my second wind
Is there somewhere here to let me in I asked
So I slammed the doors they slammed at me
I found the place Im meant to be
I figured out my destiny at last

Did I forget to thank you for the ride
I hadnt tried I tend to runaway and hide

Sun, 16 Sep 2007 21:04:27 GMT

I hate him, I hate him I hate him I hate him times a fucking thousand. Whatever, fine, his fucking loss.

Uh, I don't know what to say, I'm waiting by the phone for Shantals call, sounds pretty normal actually... Just kidding. I need some new friends, or a replacement one. Who wants it?!?!?!! Jk, that's fucked up. I don't even wanna think about him, if you ever think I'm thinking about him, kick me in the fucking face. I hate him.. times a thousand. :D

Will is being really nice again, this always scares me because way back in the day.. which was a few months ago, he was only nice to me when he wanted something. But maybe he's growing up? I'm going not try to be a negative nancy on this one, roll with me, people... fuckin' ROLL!

My birthday was pretty much awesome, other than being ditched by a former best friend. The brownies were fucking amazing, Shantal. I love you and your lack of cooking abliliy! It's just so you, I love it. It seriously made my day when I opened up the thing and there was mush inside. I have a picture of it on my cellphone. Lol, I'll text it to you when I get texting back...

My mom paid me back for my tattoo, I didn't think she was actually going to, silly Negative Nancy me! Actually, that wasn't me being -, that was me making a judgement off of what always happens with her. She's going up and down again and it drives me insane. I hate walking into the bathroom and finding all kinds of pills that aren't hers, like I found Oxycotton the other day, that shit's hardcore. Whatever, as long as she stays the fuck away from me it's fine. But it's not fine, she treats my brother like shit sometimes, like she won't even acknowlege that he's in the room unless he hasn't done his chores.

What Do You Have To Say? - Music: My First Favorite Band

Sun, 16 Sep 2007 05:09:14 GMT

What was the first band you became a fan of?

<input ... > View other answers

Tue, 04 Sep 2007 22:36:07 GMT

I feel like shit, I really really don't want to even move. I have to fucking to go work, this is going to suck. He's a stupid fucking asshole and I hope he fucking gets struck by lightening, lives, but is then impotent for the rest of his worthless fucking life. I don't give a shit anymore. I got fucking ditched for Zoolander, what the fucking hell? He knew before hand that I'd be pissed off but he did it anyway, what kind of friend is that? That's not one at all, not fucking at all. At least everyone else agrees with me that's it's bullshit and that he's an asshole. Whatever, I don't really want anything to fucking do with him right now. I don't know why I'm letting him fuck up my whole day, but I really can't help it at this point, it like presses at the back of my mind. Fucking A.

Tue, 04 Sep 2007 06:45:00 GMT

I seriously don't even know how i feel right now, i don't know what to think and i don't know what to say. ben didn't go to the baseball game because he found something better to do, something much more interesting than seeing his 'best friend' at least once this month

i'm completly fucking speechless

what the hell did i do? why are you treating me the way you're treating me, i don't fucking understand. why the hell are you letting me feel this way? what the hell is your fucking problem? you can't even do one little fucking thing to see me, to make me feel like you give a shit

Fuck

Mon, 03 Sep 2007 19:42:46 GMT

I didn't ask you to the baseball game because I thought you might like baseball, I asked you to go because I wanted to see you, which I never get to do any-fucking-more. Couldn't you just tell me that you found something better to do? Fuck, I never get to see you more than once every like.. 2 weeks. What the fuck is that? I'm not going to be the person that you call when you have nothing better to do. How bad is it that I figured you wouldn't go? What the hell does that say about you? Nothing good, that's for sure. You're being an asshole. If I find out that you were with Brendan I'll seriously rip your fucking balls off. That's just fucking bullshit. How fucking hard is it? I'm not even kidding, it's not like I'm that into baseball, I'm going to hang out with people. Because I actually like to see my friends. It's not like it's that big of a fucking sacrafice. But whatever, I guess I don't diserve it.

LFO pwns!

Thu, 23 Aug 2007 22:09:42 GMT

So, I talked the Ben the night before last night... It was interesting. I don't think I've ever had a conversation with so much silence. I know he felt bad, and I think he knew he was doing it but didn't have the...something... to fix it. He said something that really pissed me off... Like.. really... Haha, but whatever. I'm pretty much over it because I did the one thing I said I wasn't going to do. It doesn't surprise me though, for many reasons. I guess I'm happy that once he finds out he does something wrong, he tries to fix it ASAP. That makes me happy, and that he fully admits when it's his fault, unlike most people.

I fucking hate Monica, I fucking hate her. I know that their whole relationship is complecated and I know why, but seriously, does she really have to say the things she says? She's telling him he's a bad person because he's not flaunting the fact that he's going to be having a child in about 2 weeks. I don't think she gets how scared he is. He hasn't even told his mom yet. I talked to him about it and he's going to, he's just afraid because she already resents the fact that he likes boys, but the kid thing? I feel bad for him, shits' gotta suck right about now.

But that doesn't make what he did okay, don't even think that I'm totally over it. Because I'm not, I'm just trying not to throw more shit on his plate right now.

George is outside attacking bee's.. this isn't going to end well, lol. I'm gunna go shower, peace out.

Wed, 22 Aug 2007 06:56:01 GMT

No, I lied. I don't give a fuck what's wrong with him. He either needs to tell me, so I can say he tried, or he can just knock it the fuck off. He can find the goddamn time to talk to Toasty, whom he's not even really friends with..but not me. I don't give a flying fuck anymore. I want to knock him on his fucking ass. He can't even answer his phone or call me back. Fuck him... fuck him. He's a pansy assed prick. You know, I know shit gets hard, that's a part of life. And I know he's been through shit, I mean, I've watched him go through shit, I've had him bawling his eyes out on my lap. I think that should mean something, I think I diserve some form of respect. I don't care. I don't fucking care. I know I'm just saying this because I'm mad, but it feels good.

If there's something wrong, fucking tell me. I don't want to sit around all fucking day and feel bad about myself like I fucking did something wrong. I didn't do anything wrong, there's no fucking reason for me to feel bad about anything. I try to hang out with you, but you fucking blow me off for other people. Fuck you if you don't think I'm good enough to be your friend anymore. Fuck you if you think that you've found someone better. Fuck you, I've been through soo much bullshit with you. I've listened to you, I've helped with your problems. I've let you spill your guts to me and I've been more scared for you than anybody I've ever met in my fucking life. Don't I diserve an explination? Don't I diserve an "hounerable discharge" from your life? Or something, Let me fucking help this time.

Wed, 22 Aug 2007 04:53:06 GMT

I know I'm stupid for thinking that someone wouldn't fuck me over for once in my life, but what can i say? I get stupid. I feel stupid, I never actually feel stupid. I thought that Ben might be the one person who'd never make me feel bad about myself. I thought that it was actually possible for someone to just make me happy, and that's all. I thought that he wouldn't turn his back on me as fast as he did. I thought that if anything would go wrong, it would be my fault or that I would do something completely unforgivable. I hope that's why this is bothering me as much as it is... He fucking promised me that he'd try to come see me, but the fucker couldn't even pick up his goddamn phone when I call him to see if he'd go through with it. I should have known, I should have been a goddamn Negative Nancy, it makes disappointing situations soo much better, soo much more tolerable. Even though no one should have to tolerate anything like this, it happens. I'm not going for the whole "Whoa is meee" bullshit, I know that I'm not exempt from the shitting things in life, I know that. I'm not naive and a fucking child. But everyone has the right to hope, to hope that sometime in their life something would go right. I just want this all to be over, I want him to the be way he was. I know that part of it might be him thinking about the whole Monica situation, but why can't he just tell me that? Seriously. And duh, I know it would be hard for him and I'm sure he has no idea what he's doing, but I've told him. And he'd spend one day with me and expect it to be all okay. No, if you're going to be my friend, you need to be around when I need you. And I need him right now. I do my best to be around for the people I care about, is it so weird to want that in return? I guess it is. Or maybe I'm just broken and soon enough I'll be jaded and never want to help someone out again. I don't wanna be that person, I don't wanna be the bitter, pissed of female that everyone is afraid of. I don't wanna be the person who can't get attached to anybody or anything for fear of heartbreak. But fuck, I already am. And I know it. And I don't, fucking dooon't, like it.

Fuck you guys

Mon, 20 Aug 2007 08:22:43 GMT

Fuck the people who are making me feel like shit right now. Fuck Ben and fuck Will.

I don't really know why I even bother with Will anymore, he's never any good for me. l pretty much just let myself be the person(s) he breaks down to make himself feel better. He's a complete fucking asshole, sometimes. I guess I'm not strong enough to fully admit that to myself because I keep ending up being all.. buddy buddy with him again. It's just hard when he's best friends with one of my best friends. So, in all actuality, I can never really hate him, it wouldn't be right.

You know what, shut your fucking mouth. I'm sick and I'm tired of you taking away everything that makes me happy from me. Not only am I not good enough to have someone like me based on my me being me, but you have to make me feel stupid by pointing it out... every single fucking time. You can pull yourself down all you fucking want, you can sit and pick apart your own bullshit, but leave mine the fuck alone. I never, ever get anything that makes me feel good about myself, I don't want you taking that away from me. For once I starting thinking that I'm not fucking something up, that something good is happening because I'm me. But no, you have to take that away, you have to make me feel like I'm not good enough for anybody to just be happy that I'm around. Or let me think that I'm doing a good job. No, I don't get that, because I guess I'm just not fucking good enough. And don't you ever, fucking ever, tell me that you don't care about what I'm saying, again. I don't give a shit if I never stop talking, you sit there and you fucking listen to me. If you don't wanna listen, don't fucking talk to me. I don't give a shit either way at this point anymore. You can take your whinny bullshit and shove it up your ass. And I think it's pathetic that you're jealous. I really, really do.

I'm done with it. I seriously am. Yeah, I say this all the fucking time, but at least...maybe someday... I'll be able to trick myself into really making it happen.

As for Ben.. He can take Brenden and.. just fucking leave. I've basically been replaced. Not that I can blame him, because I guess I'm still not good enough. Fuck, I haven't seen Ben in like.. a week and a half, I haven't even talked to him since Wednesday or Thursday because he's too fucking busy with Brenden. I swear to god, if he tells me he can't see me on Tuesday because of him, I'll cut his fucking balls off. I'm not joking. I have no real attachment to Ben, I know that now really isn't a good time to bitch him out, but whatever. I'll try not to, thanks Monica, lol. But I called him tonight because I've spent the past two days freaking out about him because Monica started having contractions and I know that Ben is the kind of person to do something stupid, because he has. Well, I called him at 11 30 and he answered, and I was so happy. He was like "Hey, jew, I'm on the other line with Brenden, can I call you back when I'm done" And I was like "Okay, that's fine" because it was... Until he didn't call me back. it's now almost 1 30. Yeah, I know it probably sounds stupid that I'm pissed, but remember the whole.. not talking to him and all that jazz? And the whole me already being really pissed off at him for ditching me for Brenden? Yeah, not helping. So, I'm feeling like I'm not good enough to be his friend anymore, or even just someone to talk to. I feel bad for going from really really worried about him to being this pissed off at him, but I can't help it. It just fucking happens.

Why is it that when people fuck up, they fuck up in bulk? I mean seriously, what the hell? I know who the next person to fuck up is going to be, and I'm pretty fucking sure I know how it's going to happen. Maybe it's the whole... me being a Negative Nancy, but I'm usually right. So, fuck you in advance.

Do you ever?

Mon, 13 Aug 2007 05:15:13 GMT

I want to walk barefoot
in a place where barefoot has no name
in a place where soul on Earth
is natural
a place where toes in soil
is common as
true love
laughter
and birth

I want to walk barefoot
in the hills of a hidden holy land
and stare at sunsets with people who
know sunrise isn't guaranteed
in a place where the evening news speaks of tides,
the waning mood and rainforests wild as Oya's dance
in a place where shoe and umbrella are curse words
where dahlias and pearls adorn every head.

I want to talk barefoot
in cities without streets
where admiration is a deep silence
and conversations are replaced by the eloquence of eyes
barefoot in a place
where excuses are not enforced in law books
where there is no law
only that which is right

When these places leave tracks
I follow their footsteps
but they always lead to the sands
of my own spirit
I stand in the middle of myself
bowing to the Mecca I know
the sight of me
strolling barefoot
into my own life
leaving behind thieves and tyrants
trying to control it.

Do you ever... just write. You don't know what you're writing, or why.. but you just do it?

Do you embrace what turns men into stone

-to live and love is to lay it out on the line

Heartache after heartache

man begins to close…

close himself

close his whole being

No one can enter, this is true

but no longer can he leave

when man turns to stone, he is no longer

free

Do not secure yourself in what strips you of freedom

in turn, let it out, & let yourself

feel

Pain cannot hurt you,

not if you stand up

So stand up and

feel & be free

Because I do.

I don't know how this works...

Tue, 07 Aug 2007 22:01:06 GMT

This past few weeks have been awesome, bascially. Thank god I got a freakin' job, you're amazing, Shantal, but you already knew that :)). And other things have happened that I knew were going to happen, but I wasn't sure if I wanted them to. Let me tell you, at this point in time, I'm happy they did. I'm sure I'll end up pissed off and hating someone but it's all good right now, I'm happy. Let's just live in the now, fuck this whole 'future' thing. Fuck it. I don't like what-if's in any way. Even things I know shouldn't happen...

It's so nice not having anybody here to annoy me. I love having this house to myself, you have no idea. I can have people over when I want and the most random people can spend the night. Like Will, I never thought that would have happened, he spent two nights straight in my house.. in my bed.. it's just wierd to think about it. I think I've seen Will more than I've seen Ben this past week or two.. that's something I didn't see happening either. It's just.. odd. I need to see that kid, though. I miss him. He's freakin' awesome. And there are some other people I need to see, really bad.

I've started talking to Brian again, like.. talking to him. It's weird because I haven't talked to that kid in forever. Let me tell you, I'm totally excited for our drunken sex! Haha, and the threesome that won't happen no matter how much he pushes it... :)). I've decided that it just doesn't matter anymore, there's no point in it. Whatevs. I think I might have to go get ready for work.. but I don't wanna :D because I'm comfy, but I do know that I have to get my hair out of this towel and brushed if I don't want to look like a damn... weird animal thingie... I don't wanna try to spell anything big because I pretty much can't. I like this color

I'm so fucking obnoxious

Sun, 29 Jul 2007 08:34:53 GMT

Obnixious.

Sometimes, that's just the way it is. I think things may be going really good.. But I don't know. People are telling me things I don't want to hear, but deep down I think I really.. really do. But.. I don't. I don't know. I know it wouldn't end well... at all. It wouldn't be good. But I don't like what ifs.. But.. fuck. Fuck this. I had so much fun today, but I don't want to admit to myself why. I don't want to admit it, and I don't know why. I don't want to lose something. I don't want to gain something that I'll be afraid of losing. I also may just be wrong. I want to be wrong, but I don't want to be wrong. FUCK CONFUSION! I'm never this confused. I've never had a problem of figuring something like this out. I just.. don't. I don't want to start.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M FUCKING AFRAID OF.

Why the hell can't I be okay? I swear to jeebus that I run away from certain things. I know I'm afraid, but I don't know of what. Well, that's a lie, I know exactly what I'm afraid of. But it's just that I thought I was over it. It's quite obvious that I'm not. I want it to go away. I want to go away. I want... something. I can't wait til I'm 18, I know nothing will really change. But... I'll feel better, just knowing I can pack up and go somewhere and not have anyone legally be able to tell me no. I'ts a weird kind of freedom.

I'M SO FUCKING OBNOXIOUS

Fooooooooooooor sure.

Fri, 27 Jul 2007 23:46:04 GMT

She loves her mama's lemonade,
Hates the sounds that goodbyes make.
She prays one day she'll find someone to need her.
She swears that there's no difference,
Between the lies and complements.
It's all the same if everybody leaves her.

And every magazine tells her she's not good enough,
The pictures that she sees make her cry.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,
And she needs someone to take her home.

She's giving boys what they want, tries to act so nonchalant,
Afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction.
She never stays the same for long,
Assuming that she'll get it wrong.
Perfect only in her imperfection.

She's not a drama queen,
She doesn't want to feel this way, only seventeen but tired

She would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,
But she just needs someone to take her home.

Cuz she's just the way she is, but no ones told her that's ok.

Things are lookin' up!!!!

Sat, 21 Jul 2007 07:07:23 GMT

Have you ever had just an amazing day? I had the most amazing day I've had in soo long today. There was nothing speical about it at all, in any way. It was just... amazing. Everything feels good, every song I listen to sounds amazing. I think I forgot what it's like to be really, honestly, happy. I can't stop smiling. Could someone explain this to me? I spent the whole day with Ben, haha. We went on a long walk in the rain, we wrestled and he totally kicked my ass.. but I won because he didn't get what he wanted :)), we argued about softcore porn, we massaged eachother (he's amazing, by the way), we spent a good half hour learning out to rip phonebooks in half and watching fights on youtube, he fought my little brother, we played fetch with Kim's dogs, he sat on my lap while we downloaded music, we just layed together, I almost fell asleep with my head on his ass. It was just a good day.. There were no complecations, there was no.. nothing. I don't know how to describe it. It's weird though, because I don't have feelings for him, but he makes me really really happy. It seems like there should be something there, I mean, the things he says to me and whatnot.. but there's just nothing there. I must be broken... but I'm not going to think about it because I'm so fucking happy.

Wed, 18 Jul 2007 23:06:27 GMT

I'm just pretty much really bored. Shantal is leaving for two weeks tomorrow!! What am I going to do? For reals, does this mean I'll have to make new friends? Haha, I'm working on it, and you should be proud of me. I'm getting more and more outgoing. It's weird, like I'm actually talking to people I don't know and stuff. I like it, it's new :D and new is good, most of the time. But yeah, I guess I'm going to a party on Friday with Kelsey...and Rachel. Gah, I don't like her, but whatever. Maybe I'll get drunk to the point I can hit her and not feel it :D. That would be awesome. Haha, I wouldn't do it because she's Kelseys like best friend and I'm sure that would create some problems... Stupid people, haha.

Heres to the tears you knew you'd cry....

That song is pretty much really sad. I like Eve 6 a lot... I know I should be cleaning the kitchen right now because as soon as my mom walks through the front door she's going to start yelling at me... I really should start. No, I can't because Chris Brown is now playing and I really like this song, sorry Mom :D Good God Chris Brown is hot.. he's so on my team, you don't even know. He'd way be one of my freebies. That includes Ludacris, I'll take sloppy seconds, Shantal. Haha, actually, I'd be happy with him just rapping for me :D That would PWN, yes... PWN. That's how serious I am, don't mess with this bitches. I have nothing to say at all...

But they keep coming from wall to walllllll!

HOOOT! Haha. Shut your faaaaace. AHHHH!!! WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU!!! This song is amazing. It's like... so 90's. Haha. I don't know what that means exactly but I like how it sounds. What I like about you, you hold me tight!

You're whispering in my ear, telling me all the things I wanna hear

I seriously have song ADD so bad right now. Like, worse than usual, which is pretty bad... Haha. But most of these songs are depressing.... Gah, fuck it! I love them anyway. I think I love them because they're depressing, it's how I roll mother-fucker.

I love Usher, I'm listening to My Way right now. This shit makes me laugh, it's old! Like... grade school old I think. I remember I was watching something about him a long time ago and it was about how he'd dress on stage for his concerts.. he'd come out in almost nothing. I'd be totally okay with that, you have no idea. Actually, it would be really weird... But still hot. And he actually raps... it's... so not Usher. He's a cruner! Haha, not really because he's not that good of a singer, but that's okay. I'll just watch it on mute.

UNBREAK MY HEAAAAAAAAAAAAAART!!!! Haha, this reminds me of good times with Shantal and Brian. Gah.. Don't leave me in all this pain, don't leave me out in the rain, come back and bring back my smile, come take these tears away!!! I need your arms to hold me now, the nights are so unkind, bring back those nights when i held you beside me, unbreak my heart, say you'll love me again, undo this hurt that you caused when you walked out the door and walked out of my life, uncry these tears...

Okay, I'm done. Haha, I typed that as she was singing it. That's how amazing I am <33

Fuck trust.

Tue, 17 Jul 2007 05:55:08 GMT

i don't care. and i find that to be very weird. i think i cared a little when he told me, but after that i was just like 'okay.'

why the fuck don't i care? seriously. i'm more mad at her because she broke a promise. why the hell don't i care? is it because i don't know how? i thought i was jealous for a second, but no, i wasn't. this is just fucking weird. if she doesn't tell me what she did i'll be so pissed off, though. it's not that she did it, it's that she broke a promise, you know? that shit seriously pisses me off. goddamnit, fuck trusting people. i think that's why it bothers me so much. i trusted her when she said she wouldn't, and then she did. i know it shouldn't be that surprising.. but what the fuck? goddamnit. fuck people, i'm never going to listen to anyone again. i've been lied to so many times, it's not that what she did was that big of a deal, i mean... i can't blame her.. obviously. but it's just the last straw. i remotely trust someone with something small and it backfires! whoooot to me getting better. that knocked it down a few fucking notches, not what i need right now. but fuck it.

Goddamnit.